Achieving our family was not easy. It took six months of actively trying to get pregnant with our first child. And it took a month to lose that pregnancy. We were so innocent. We had no idea that when you get pregnant it doesn't automatically mean you take a baby home. I started bleeding very early into the pregnancy. The first ultrasound there was a heartbeat. That reassured us. We could sleep easy. When the bleeding got worse and I went back for another ultrasound the heartbeat was gone. We watched the ultrasound technician try several times to find the heartbeat. We saw our gummy bear shaped baby on the screen. And we never actually saw or heard the heartbeat. At the time I didn't think to ask for the ultrasound pictures. So the memory of that tiny gummy bear is all we have.
I never really understood just how hard a miscarriage was until I had one. From the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, I was a mommy. So the weekend where I finally lost the pregnancy became the weekend where all those dreams of birth, holding our child in our arms, watching our child grown and learn and play and become an adult, those dreams were lost.
We wouldn't have Zach now if that pregnancy would have gone to term. He's a blessing and he is supposed to be here. But it never stops you from wondering what might have been.
Time has dulled the ache. But every August I stop and remember that there was a tiny being who might have been if a different story would have been told.
