The First Time

When we got married I was ready to start a family as soon as we finished our walk down the aisle. He was a little more practical and thought we should spend at least a year getting to know each other, getting our finances in order, and deciding that we were really ready for a family.

After some time, we were finally ready to start a family. I jumped in with both feet and became devastated when I wasn't pregnant immediately. As far as I knew, people started trying, boom you were pregnant, you had a beautiful and blissful 9 months and then you got to be parents. To be that innocent again...

All in all, it didn't actually take us overwhelmingly long to get pregnant the first time. we officially tried for 6 months when I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. Overcome with joy, we shared with our closest family and friends. We started discussing the names. We started discussing if we thought I was carrying a boy or a girl.

It was a surprise the first time that I saw the blood on the toilet paper. We weren't really sure what it meant, but I called my doctor and was reassured that bleeding in the first trimester, while understandably scary, typically didn't mean anything bad and to call back if it got worse. The next morning, the blood had turned red and was steady. I called my doctor back and was told to go to the hospital for an ultrasound. We went to the hospital and sat through a silent ultrasound. At the end, the tech told us that while she's not allowed to give us any information, she had seen a heartbeat. We left the hospital with a little bit of relief and waited for the call from my doctor.

The call came a couple of days later - baby looked healthy, due date was pushed back four days and everything seemed okay.

Until the night I started bleeding consistently and passing clots. It was midnight. I was hysterical. We called the on call doctor who told us that we should call in the morning and schedule an appointment.

The next morning, we were sent ASAP to the hospital for a follow up ultrasound. Again, a silent ultrasound with a poker faced tech. Until the end. She told me to go ahead and get dressed and that she would be back. She was gone too long. She was taking forever to come back. And when she came back, she had a nurse from my doctor's office on the phone. I knew. My heart dropped and broke all at the same time. We had lost our precious child. No heartbeat. My body had already started the process of getting rid of the baby.

It was also the moment that I lost my innocence about the process of pregnancy. I have since learned that 25% of pregnancies do not result in a baby that you take home. Whether that baby is lost in early pregnancy or stillborn at birth, 25% of babies don't come home. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in heartbreak.