7 Years Ago

Seven years ago, I stood in a room with my sisters, my mom, and my two best friends. I was surrounded by excitement. A hairdresser appeared and with what seemed incredible speed, got five ladies' hair done up. Bridesmaid dresses donned. A garter. A big white dress. Photographer taking picture after picture. A walk down an aisle with my dad at my side to meet you. We stared into each other's eyes and proclaimed our vows to each other. We promised to love each other forever. We promised to stand next to each other through good times and bad, sick times and healthy. We were so in love. We were so excited to start our life together. We went to a party and ate cake, delicious food we had sampled months ago, danced all night long, and then the next day we were off to an exotic destination and just enjoyed being married.

Seven years ago if you would have told me that our vows would be put to the test over and over,
I wouldn't have believed you. If you would have told me that being married meant you sat by my side while I threw up everything I ate for four months straight through two pregnancies I would have thought how unromatic that was. Seven years ago if you'd have told me that sometimes the most kind and romantic thing we can do for each other is let each other sleep in on a Saturday and keep the kids quiet so you don't wake up, I would have laughed at you. Seven years ago I would have never understood how much it meant to have you as my rock when we were told they couldn't find the heartbeat. Or when they said something is wrong with Twin B. You don't think about those things on your wedding day.

Seven years ago if you would have told me that I would feel more joy at hearing that the pregnancy after the miscarriage was "a happy, healthy, normal pregnancy" than I knew I could feel, I would have scoffed. Seven years ago I couldn't have understood just how difficult it would be to be infertile and to realize it's a journey and a battle that we had to go through together.

Seven years ago I would never have understood just how much joy and love there is in sitting at home together on a weekend night and cuddling while watching TV. Listening to the sound of our kids breathing while they sleep. Knowing that the fact that we fell in love brought these three fantastic humans into this world. Seven years ago, I knew I wanted kids, but I never realized just how much more I would love you seeing you as a father. Watching you make silly faces at Emily, or hold Nicholas in the hospital to keep him from being scared. Watching the pride beam from your face as Zach stands up in front of a crowd of people at his taekwondo tournament and does a great job. Seven years ago I loved you deeply. Seven years later, I love you so much more.

I never understood exactly what shaped a marriage. It's the highest highs, the lowests lows, and weathering them together. It's being frustrated by something you do and then choosing to forgive and move on. It's laughing together, fighting and making up, creating a world where our children and our marriage can thrive, and sometimes, just hanging on by a thread. It's being a rock when the other is weak, and being comfortable to be vulnerable enough to be weak when you need to be. It's learning how to communicate, and learning how to say I'm sorry. It's holding hands in the car or being the one to get up with a crying baby in the middle of the night so the other can sleep. It's inside jokes. It's standing with one another against difficulties, it's weathering the storms by huddling together.